I thought a lot about starting to write again, especially about everything that is our first year of marriage. The first year is tough in some ways, we re-learned things, and developed a new balance, we also combined finances for the first time ever.
I also thought a lot about weather or not to start writing about our journey to growing our family. I even asked Jason first, if he would mind if I wrote about our experiences. I thought about weather this should be private, or if other family members would judge me for talking about it (silly stuff!). But in the end, it’s my decision, and I definitely didn’t want my insecurities to prevent me from sharing our experiences through an outlet (writing) that I enjoy having. I also know how much it helps me to read other bloggers stories, and feel not so alone.
Jason and I have been struggling to have a baby. It’s been hard, emotionally draining, stressful, and time consuming. We began trying shortly after our wedding in May, but nothing was happening. We really thought since we’re young that it would happen within just a few months. After six months of nothing, we decided to help put our worries to rest and seek the help of a fertility specialist. We really thought it would give us the assurance we need to “relax and let it happen”, as so many people innocently tell you to do when your trying.
Then our results started to come back in, and there ended up being a few factors that didn’t give us reassurance. I remember the nurse telling me the results of the tests over the phone, and saying that it really isn’t a big deal, that she’s seen so many people with this problem get a baby. Well, she didn’t say exactly how those couples got a baby (IUI, IVF, naturally?). I had a lot of questions, so she said she would have our doctor call in a few days.
When our doctor did call, he refused to discuss what the results meant for us because I had not yet fully completed my testing. Since a few days had passed between getting the results and speaking with the doctor, we had already researched what the results meant, and that IVF is likely our best option. Him refusing to answer anything was really a blow, because now we would have to wait weeks before my tests would be done, and for him to tell us if what we had researched is accurate or not.
Then I had my final test, the HSG. I was told it would be uncomfortable, but when the technician came in she told me it would either be mild pain, or the most excruciating pain i’ve ever felt in my life. Real nice way to start, right? I must have fallen on the far end of the spectrum, because it was so awful that I had to have them stop midway through. I cried a lot. I cried because it hurt, and I cried because I felt I had failed. I also cried because I knew if i didn’t complete this test, the doctor would never discuss our results with us and it would be my fault that we were delayed in getting answers. And the HSG has to be done at a certain time in your cycle, so any do-overs would need to wait a month.
I called the fertility clinic to let them know that I couldn’t finish the HSG and would be coming by to pick up our records. Jason and I decided we would be switching clinics so we cold hopefully get answers, and overall just didn’t feel comfortable with the place we were at. That’s when our doctor called and finally told us that “Yes, based on your husbands results, your going to probably need IVF”, but not to worry because he’s good at what he does and will “get us a baby”. We felt awful that we waited so long to hear what we already knew. We also decided to try to focus on the solution and not the problem, so we made an appointment at a large clinic in the Northern, VA area. We had heard good things about the new facility from others that went through similar struggles. Its funny, it feels as though you never hear anything about infertility until you’re going through it.
Our new doctor answered all of our questions, and took time to sit down and go over the results we collected from the previous clinic. He ordered a much more thorough work up, and suggested I do the HSG under sedation. He also told us our chances of conceiving naturally based on the results we had so far was around 4-5%. But also said that anything is possible, and not to give up because he’s seen it happen unexpectedly in the past, even when the chances are slim.
Now we need to see what the end game is going to be, because my HSG didn’t come back completely perfect . Overall, we finally feel like we’re moving forward, and aren’t crazy for thinking something was wrong when we were trying without success. This has been difficult to deal with, and the word “patience” has never meant more to us than it does now. I also certainly know other people out there are going through worse, or have been trying for a baby for a lot longer that we have. This is just our story.